Daytime television

Watching day time television is like having your brain slowly drip out of your ear. This is thought to be caused by Noel Edmunds face. A plausible notion I think. I can't stand his face and that's all there is to it. In fact the whole program is a joke. It’s a circus – a pathetic farce. If you actually were to choose to join a cult, would you really choose Noel Edmunds as your leader. That stupid and smug attempt at mystique is only in reality likely to attract the feeblest of minds. Every single show is as meaningless as the last, but nobody ever seems to notice. Worship the boxes. What does the banker say? Bow to the banker. "It’s a very generous offer Mr. Banker, but I’m afraid no deal!" APPLAUSE!! CHEERS!!! Whoop!!

SIT DOWN!!

Then you've got Jeremy Kyle - he's like the Gordon Ramsey of therapy. First he's all "WHY DON'T YOU GROW UP AND GROW SOME MATE...... BE A MAN!", and then he starts playing mind games on them with "actually you know what I really respect you". His programme is like a septic pond filled with drowning flies. Tune into ‘Jezza’ to watch ‘My mum is having an affair with my brother! It’s got to stop or I will leave the family!’

I flick through the channels with apoplectic fury, thumping my thumbs onto the remote as it flicks through one smug show after another. Why am I doing this to myself? The Wright Stuff - just take that smirk off your face for crying out loud, what are you smiling at?! Even Countdown which was once a cornerstone of daytime television is now just an endless ticking which only reminds you as you lie horizontally on the sofa that your life is slipping away in ever more dramatic increments. Oh and don't even get me started on Loose Women - a bunch of middle-aged women discussing their latest toy-boys and sharing "edgy" jokes with a male guest. "Am I right ladies?"

And then you have the adverts which are even worse. “I dislocated my right shoulder in an accident at work”. I don't care, go on Jeremy Kyle. Every single advert is for insurance or lawyers or some sort of service that you just don't need. Everyone's trying to lure you into giving them money. The worst thing I've seen is probably Quick Quid. A cheery voice comes on the screen and says "Do you need a couple of quid to tide you over till the end of the month? No worries, I'll lend you a fiver mate", then just as you're saying to yourself "oh thanks very much", they come back with "just a typical 2360% apr". If you take that loan you're likely to be paying it back for the rest of your life. Or 'Cash Your Gold' which acts as if they've only just discovered that gold is worth something - "Just send us all your priceless heirlooms and we'll give you a few extra quid to spend on cigarettes and scratch cards, you'd like that wouldn't you?"

The fact is if you succumb to the box during the day you're likely to lose a good portion of it only to emerge lethargic, depressed and full of regret. Think of all the things you could be doing out in the sun, like playing with a frisbee or taking a walk. You could go for a cycle ride or have a game of football or play tennis or....... um...... oh I don't know, something else. Do I have to give you all the answers? To be honest I'm a little tired out from watching Judge Judy all morning so leave me alone will you. Coach Trip is starting now so that should fill some time.

The art of persuasion

Academics, politicians, philosophers and psychologists - they’re always talking about motivation in terms of the carrot or the stick. What methods have, and should be adopted so to best motivate, persuade and induce behaviour. Jeremy Bentham reasoned that all human action is motivated by one of two things; the pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain.

The carrot or the stick.

On the one hand the carrot, to entice with the promise or expectation of reward. On the other the stick, to punish, coerce and force.

But stop for a second.

Is it just me, or are the leaders of the world missing a trick here. Missing the very obvious solution that’s sitting right in front of their noses. I sit amused and astonished that no one else has noticed what I see so clearly. What must surely by definition be the most motivational tool known to man – carrot sticks!!

Surely this revelation could be harnessed to make the most persuasive salad in the world. With this culinary secret you could motivate men to do anything.

Who knows what international dispute, diplomatic crisis or war could have been averted by a carefully and lovingly prepared plate of crudités. Or which workforce might have been better driven and inspired by a selection of carefully shaped snacks. Or further still what army may have achieved victory had their leaders been privy to such secrets. Had Dione Lucas, who cooked for Hitler on numerous occasions, made a chance discovery by accidentally cutting a carrot lengthways in 1942, we may all be speaking German now.

And what, you may ask, of dips? A pertinent question for sure. Who is actually investing in this I hear you cry? Which of our great universities are actually conducting research into this field? I’ve always found myself fairly persuaded by houmous, but what of taramasalata? This I find decidedly unconvincing. It tastes like a fish shat in a bowl.

Why our forebears, great men in their own right, lacked the inventiveness and perspicacity to realise a simple carrot’s full diplomatic, motivational and inspirational potential, I do not know. But we cannot blame them for their flaws.

Now I know what you’re thinking. If you’ve made this breakthrough why isn’t something being done about it? Why aren’t the right people taking action right now? Well I have already taken initial steps by posting some samples through the door of No. 10 for approval.

I’m still waiting for a reply which is strangely slow in coming, but I’m not deterred. To be honest they’re probably a little embarrassed. But I’m patient and as soon as they can swallow their pride, I’ll be humbly ready to accept my knighthood.