Up and Coming!

Find a penny, pick it up...

Cows

This train will be temporarily held at this station...

It was over a year ago that as a new resident to the city of London, as yet untouched by the entrenched cynicism of this fair city, that I sat on a train on the way to work, amid the throng of sour-faced commuters and disorientated tourists. It was at a time when I was still riding high on a wave of excitement at having moved to the capital city, and I scoffed at the evident bitterness and misery which painted itself over each passenger's face as they made their way to work. As my train approached London Bridge, where I was due to change for the last leg of my journey, it began to slow down until it reached a screeching halt, and a bored and sombre voice came over the tannoy announcing, "Good morning ladies and gentlemen. This is the train from Sydenham to London Bridge, calling at Forest Hill, Brockley, New Cross Gate and London Bridge. This train will be temporarily held at a red signal due to an unforseen fatality on the line". 

I couldn't believe the off-handed manner with which the driver explained the delay, unemotionally and dispassionately spitting out the facts as if to curse the deceased's selfish act of suicide. The news barely registered amongst my fellow travellers, unable to rench their eyes from the celebrity drivel between the pages of their free morning paper. This was clearly something the people of London were used to.  And 'unforseen', some of them seemed to be tutting. Bloody hell, TFL need to sort their act out don't they? Why didn't they predict that someone would throw themselves in front of the train? Honestly. 

Anyway it stuck with me. That selfish bastard throwing himself on the tracks, before any of the good people on the train could even have their morning coffee. I soon caught on and realised that it must just be a trait of being a Londoner to display dislike and annoyance towards anyone else but yourself.

 

Now, sometimes I have to resist the pull at my ankle as London tries to drag me down to similar levels of cynicism and callous disinterest (because at times you can find yourself sliding), but there seems to be no standard, comparison or scale of compassion that makes sense. I must have my values upside down, because it was while travelling south on the Northern Line this week that my train was once again halted by the familiar announcement of 'this train will be temporarily held at the station...', only this time it was followed by the tearful lament 'due to an injured fox on the line at Goodge Street'. The carriage was in uproar. There were cries of "Oh nooo!" as passengers glanced over at each other to give one another emotional support. Who cares how late you are for work at a time like this! Has Boris Johnson been informed? One lady sitting opposite me seemed close to tears and I half expected her to raise her fists up to the sky (well the ceiling of our encased metal shuttle) and shout "WHY!!!!!!". God can't hear you now woman. There's nothing left in this world. We're doomed.

Maybe I've missed the point. Or maybe London has adopted a new code of conduct with a new heartfelt benevolent attitude to all living things. But I mean come off it! After all we are Londoners! Aren't we supposed to stand screaming and jeering at the windows, egging the driver on so he drives faster before the injured animal gets a chance to crawl off the tracks? 

Clearly I have missed the point.

But one question remains. How did a fox get down to the tracks without an oyster card anyway? At a time like this when security is paramount. Perhaps the fox had had enough of it all as well. 

Its a hard city to live in even for a fox.

3 points...

'Shocked' Woman Drove With Body In Windscreen

A woman in Japan has been arrested after she hit an elderly woman in her car, and still drove the rest of the way home.

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Strange-News/Japanese-Woman-Drove-Home-With-Body-Of-Pensioner-Lodged-In-Windscreen/Article/201001215519795?f=rss

Sorry, wait a minute. What is going on?

She drove 4 miles home with an old age pensioner sticking through her windscreen. 4 Miles!! What was going through her mind? It wasn't until she got home and saw her boyfriend that he slapped some sense into her and did what needed to be done.

"Hello, Autoglass replace?"

The woman said she was too shocked to know what to do, so she drove home in a blind panic. Well you'd have to be bloody blind to miss an 80 year old woman sticking through your windscreen wouldn't you. What state of mind would you have to be in to ignore an old biddy shouting in your ear from the passenger side. What tickles me most is firstly the image from the outside to other drivers. As they passed the vehicle on the other side of the road, all they would have seen were two legs and a walking stick protruded into the air as the car hurtled along at 70mph+. But even more so the scene inside the vehicle. I wonder if it would have occured to the old lady to ask if it was possible to just pull over anywhere convenient. "Yep, anywhere around here is fine thank you love."

It makes you wonder how some people's mind works, doesn't it. She was probably thinking "Shit. Give me a break. I've already got 3 points on my licence for driving in a bus lane". Apparently when the police arrived at her home after receiving a phone call from her boyfriend, they found the old woman still wedged firmly in the windscreen. The woman now faces a fine and possible prison term of 17 years if convicted. Seems only fair, although she can hardly be done for hit and run, can she.

A simple trust exercise...

Looking for that perfect gift?

There are only a few things I want from this world. Someone to love, financial security, a comfortable home, but most of all, my very own canvas print of Paul Ross. Let's face it, it doesn't matter where you hang it, it will bring joy and light wherever it is. I just wish I wasn't so busy paying rent and saving for my future that I'd just let go and indulge myself for once. Everyone deserves a treat now and then. So if anyone is stuck on what to get me for my birthday (It's September) may I lay this subtle suggestion at your door.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Inch-Canvas-51cm-PAUL-MirrorPrintStore/dp/B001N6W8U0

A glance at just a few of the reviews on Amazon should be enough to convince any Ross-doubter:

"A snip at just under two and a half grand, you'll be the envy of all your friend (yes, that's right, ALL of him - from the top of his empty head to the tips of his tiny toes). Quick, you buy now, as I have only 30,000 of these left and they're smelling fast! This particular one is refurbished, as the back was falling off and I accidentally spilt Kestrel Super all over the front. But it's fine now. £2,499.99"

"If you only buy one 20 inch canvas print of Paul Ross this year, this is the one to get."


"I purchased this wonderous print almost 2 years ago & it means more to me than you can ever imagine. In fact I recently had a horrific house fire & only had time to save 2 things - I chose this & one of the twins!"


Although one reviewer offered a word of warning:
"Imagine my utter disappointment that upon hanging it, his shirt clashed with my curtains, and upon closer inspection- his eyes clashed with my soul. It now hangs facing the wall."


Oh well Paul, you win some you lose some!

The Psychiatrist

Anything Out There?

It's a Stressful World

My god, it’s a stressful world you know.... I saw a bee drop dead from a heart attack the other day.

This bee went slowly chugging past me, right, really slowly, you know, and I was looking at it, and to my eye the bee looked as though it were distressed. It was just how I felt, but you know he was just looking worried. As he flew past we just sort of caught eyes and I could tell something was up. I looked at him, and he looked at me, and it was just like ‘hello, something’s up here’.

Anyway right, I carry on and turn around and just have this real foreboding feeling inside. I didn’t like it. Not one bit. Then as I turned back around, this bee just dropped straight out the air onto the pavement. He’s just lying there on his back. On the pavement. I mean what do you do? He’s lying there and not moving and I mean that’s just life isn’t it. I doubt an ambulance is going to come out and I’m not going to give him the kiss of life am I, it’s a bee for Christ sake.

But it just goes to show what a stressful world it is when the bees have had enough. You know all he probably wanted to do was make his honey. This bee could have had shadowing on its lung just from choosing to live in London, you know, but the bee wouldn’t have been aware of it. Do you know how hard it is to find a good GP in London? One that will just turn to you and give it to you straight, without any messing. Meanwhile there’s people just walking around whistling saying what a nice day it is. No it’s not, there’s just been a death you insensitive bastard.

But it got me thinking, you know. This bee probably didn’t even see it coming, and that’s just the way life goes. He’d probably just been going about his day, whistling his little tune. I mean I don’t know if pollen is high in cholesterol or something. Maybe he hadn’t been keeping check on his diet. Christ with the stress of today he could have had blood pressure through the roof. The point is you’ve just got to look after yourself in this day and age. If you don’t get on top of your health, it will get on top of you.

But I’ll never forget the look that bee gave me.